Running Up That Hill
by E.M. Megs
Summary: Kaoru witnesses a fatal accident that turns his world around forever. Can the Host Club make him realize that grief is not the only emotion possible? Kaoru-centric - Character death - Heavy angst - One-shot


_Running Up That Hill_

_By E.M. Megs_

_One-shot_

Kaoru wished that he had never been there. That neither of them had been there. That he hadn't been fighting with Hikaru. That he hadn't pushed his twin brother away.

Because now nothing could stop the pain and sorrow in his heart. No one would be able to stop it.

His twin was the only one that had ever been able to understand enough to make him see that the world was not against him and that this pain _would _go away.

But Hikaru was not here.

That was apparent enough by the coffin sitting in the front of the room. The photograph of his twin grinning mischievously. The words: _In Memory of Hikaru Hitachiin_ placed on a plaque in front of the picture. His mother holding his little sister and being held by his father in the front row. Ageha didn't quite understand what was happening. Their parents couldn't stop crying. The other people didn't - couldn't - understand the sorrow that encompassed his family - _encompassed him _- at the terrible tragedy that had taken away the closest person in his life.

Kaoru's hand curled into a fist. Tears burned at his eyes. He didn't want to be here. He didn't want to be forced to accept the condolences of all those people who couldn't possibly understand what he was going through.

Half of him had been _torn out._ Half of him had been taken. Violently ripped from him in a way that left no visible scars but ravaged him inside.

He could clearly remember everything that had happened.

Hikaru's frustration as he stormed out of the house. How he'd gotten into his sports car to 'take a drive' - not at all different than the normal way he relieved anger. He always liked speed.

But speed was the thing that had killed him.

The speed of his car, the speed of the vehicle that had t-boned him and killed him before Kaoru could even find a way to get to the car. How fast it had all caught fire. The explosion of the engine that would have killed him if the crash hadn't.

Either way, it ended with speed murdering his brother.

And Kaoru couldn't help feeling that gnawing piece of his own guilt in his death. The guilt that had torn at him almost as much as the very idea that Hikaru could die without him beside him.

As soon as the funeral ended, he turned and snuck out of the building, hands in pockets and collar up. He could not handle the words that would be spoken by the people around them. The people who would say, "We're so sorry," or "I just can't believe it!" None of them had known him as well as Kaoru had. Not even their parents. And Ageha would only ever know one half of the brother that she had left.

Kaoru bit his lip and pulled his coat tighter around him against the bitter cold.

He wished he could just disappear for a while.

~o~

The knock on his front door was expected. The Host Club had not grown so far apart that they stopped caring about one another. He had expected for at least one of them to drop by at some point. He didn't, however, expect Hunny-sempai to be the first one to do so. "Kao-chan," the normally peppy blonde man stated. His brown eyes were sad. "How are you?"

"My brother's dead," Kaoru replied bitterly, "How do you think I am?"

"You still have Ageha."

"She's not the same as a twin, Hunny-sempai." The Haninozuka sighed and let himself in. "Where's Mori-sempai?"

"Kendo." Unbelievable. "Life still goes on despite the deaths that take place, Kao-chan."

"It feels like no one else is even sad." He sat. Hunny remained standing, looking down at him in concern. "Everyone keeps saying that they're sorry I lost my brother, but none of them seem sad about it. Not even the other Hosts."

"Kao-chan, all of us deal with grief in a different way. Takashi's way is to keep moving forward with his daily routine. Mine varies on any given day."

"Oh? What is it today? Apathy?"

"No." Hunny sounded hurt and Kaoru looked up to find that there were tears in the older man's eyes. "Today is silent tearless mourning. Time to remember and accept. I miss Hika-chan too, Kao-chan, but no one can bring him back."

Kaoru didn't say anything. He didn't apologize. It was probably something that was more likely of his brother to do, but he didn't care. He had to be both of them now. Hunny turned and left with his head bent down to the ground and hands shoved deep in his pockets.

~o~

"Mitsukuni's upset."

Kaoru stared at his second senior. Why did they keep coming one at a time? Was this some kind of intervention? He was grieving. It was perfectly natural for him to lock himself away in his lonely three bedroom apartment. His _empty _three bedroom apartment. "I didn't mean to upset him."

"You're upset."

"Yes. Your point?" Mori remained silent, prodding him to come to that conclusion on his own. "I lost my brother, Mori-sempai. My _twin_. It feels like there's some great chasm inside of me that nothing can fill. I've tried immersing myself in designing but all of them are only half of what I used to be able to do with Hikaru by my side. Everything I do half of reminds me of what I used to have _all_ of. Do you have any idea what that feels like? I don't understand how you can just keep going through life like nothing even happened."

Mori was quiet for a beat then shrugged as he murmured, "It's natural life and death."

"What? People die all the time, so why cry?" Kaoru shook his head, "People I know do not die every day. People I _love _don't die every day. My _twin brother _does not die-." He broke off, feeling those awful tears building in the back of his eyes perfectly in sync with the lump in his throat. Mori placed a hand on his head in sympathy and ruffled his hair. "Why couldn't it be me?"

"Because you're needed."

Kaoru looked at his sempai with confusion, but the Morinozuka didn't elaborate. He just smiled at him and ruffled his hair again before turning to leave.

~o~

Tamaki appeared later than he expected him to. Luckily though, Kaoru had been able to avoid having to answer the door by going out for the first time in two weeks for fabric. Instead, Tamaki was waiting for him when he got home. The blonde was just lounging on the couch. Kaoru looked at him with a bored expression. "It's rude to break into someone's house, Tono," he stated, striding to his workroom where he stashed all his designing supplies.

"You have been outside in two weeks, Kaoru."

"I didn't think that was any of your concern, Tamaki-sempai," the red head replied, "_And _I believe I _just _went out _five minutes ago_."

"Kaoru, you're suffering. I ge-"

"No," Kaoru whirled around yelling, "No! You don't get it! You never lost a brother! You never _had _a brother to lose, Tamaki-sempai! You _don't _get it! _No one _gets it! Half of me is _missing_! My other half is gone from this world where I can't reach him and there's no way that I can get him back!"

"You'll heal in time," Tamaki stated optimistically. He had tears in his eyes even as he said it.

"No," Kaoru growled, "You can't _heal _a heart that's half missing. Things like that don't magically grow back." He shook his head and looked at his Tono. "Get out. Please. You weren't invited in in the first place."

"I'm worried about you."

"There's nothing to worry abo-"

"Kaoru, you're _dying_. I can tell! Losing Hikaru _kills _you but you won't let anyone else in to try and fill that hole!"

"You can't _fill _something that's just _gone,_ Tono! There's nothing there _to _fill! And no one could replace Hikaru."

"Not even your five closest friends?"

Kaoru stared at him and shook his head. "Not even you guys."

~o~

He worked tirelessly at his designs, trying to put out enough for both he and his twin. He tried to see all the little quirks and changes that his brother would have made to his designs. He couldn't. He couldn't fill Hikaru's shoes. No matter how hard he tried a half just could not be a whole.

He hadn't slept in days. He'd hardly eaten at all, though it wouldn't have mattered since his appetite was non-existent anyway. He'd seen his parents once since the funeral, his sister twice. It hurt worse to see his sister because she always looked at him like she was losing him too.

"You're beginning to get like me," a voice from behind him startled him into turning to face the owner. Kyoya didn't look at him. He merely admired a dress that Kaoru had just finished fashioning from his near endless supply of fabric.

"How'd you get in here?" Kaoru asked with a scowl.

Kyoya offered him a smirk, his glasses flashing in the light. "Do you really need to ask that after all the years we've known each other, Kaoru?" Kaoru felt a shudder run down his spine as those obsidian eyes turned to him. The former twin studied his senior's face. He had just noticeable bags under his eyes. His hair looked like it might need a wash and possibly a trimming. There were creases in his forehead from frowning. Kaoru felt his eyebrows furrow.

"Has Kyoya-sempai been taking proper care of himself?"

"Why do you think I made the remark I did?" Kyoya snorted in reply. "You are not taking care of yourself any better than I am. The difference is that I am letting people take care of me when I require it. You are not." He gracefully crossed the room and, after clearing it of fabric scraps, took a seat in the chair across from Kaoru.

The younger raised an eyebrow at him. "Why would you not be taking care of yourself?"

"It's a funny thing; grief. It turns the strongest of men into dust. Mere shells of what they were before."

Kaoru's scowl deepened further. "Are you trying to tell me that you're mourning over Hikaru to the extent that you aren't taking care of yourself?"

"No. I'm saying that you are," Kyoya countered, crossing his legs. "I have long been accustomed to not getting enough sleep, as much as I enjoy it. The rest is… new." He paused just long enough to study Kaoru thoroughly. "You have not slept in at least 3 days. You haven't eaten in at least 36 hours. You're running yourself into the ground. You're killing yourself, Kaoru."

The Hitachiin rolled his eyes and sat back. "Did Tamaki-sempai convince you to come?" He didn't need to question how Kyoya knew his current sleeping and eating habits. The man knew practically everything.

"No," the Ohtori replied softly, "I came on my own accord."

"Why'd you come then?"

Kyoya sat forward sharply and stared him directly in the eye. "Because, Kaoru, you have not spoken to anyone on your own will since the funeral. You will only speak to those that come to you directly. Your own _family _had to come over just so that you would talk to them. You will _not _answer any phone calls and frankly, I would not be surprised if there were some that thought _you _had died. You are worrying those around you with your constant selfishness."

"You too, then?"

He glared at the younger man as if challenging his logic when he asked that. Kaoru knew that Kyoya would never admit to being worried about anyone. And he was right of course. It would be too much of a blow to his ego to admit that he had stooped to human emotion. "Were you aware that my grandfather passed away just 3 days ago?"

Kaoru scowled. "No, I wasn't."

"That's because you haven't had nearly enough contact with another human being. If you had, you would have been aware that I was oddly close to my maternal grandfather and _that _was why I appear as I do right now. _Not _just because one of my closest friends died two and a half weeks ago."

"What's your damn point?" Kaoru was getting frustrated with his sempai now.

"My point is that you require help, Kaoru. Even the best of us need help when grief strikes. I understand that nothing can fill the void left by Hikaru. But you could at least let us try. Just stop being selfish and let us attempt to help."

"I'm not being selfish," he muttered, turning away from the Ohtori.

Kyoya rolled his eyes and sneered a bit. "You're being selfish by keeping yourself away from us. You think you can just take all the grief and that no one else feels anything. No one else _misses _Hikaru." He stopped and drew in a deep breath. "You're wrong. We all miss him, Kaoru. And depriving us of the only Hitachiin we have left is quite selfish of you."

Kaoru didn't know what to say, so he just stayed silent. "We will keep trying to call you. If you don't answer, then we'll just keep stopping by. I hope that one of us doesn't find you dead on a visit." With that Kyoya turned on his heel.

"I wish it had been me." Kyoya turned back with a raised an eyebrow. "I wish that there were a way for me to switch places with him so that he wouldn't be dead."

"What would that possibly accomplish, Kaoru?"

"He'd handle it better, I'm sure."

"He would not," Kyoya snorted, "In fact, I'm willing to bet that he would handle it even worse than you are currently. He was always the rasher of the two of you. He would have torn himself apart with grief at a much faster pace than you are. And none of us would have been able to get through to him."

"Are you saying that it's better that he died?"

"Perhaps." Kyoya stared at him through his spectacles like he was attempting to gauge some kind of emotion within him. "If you were the one in that limo, Kaoru, then we truly would have lost both of you. Not just one." Kyoya didn't say anything more. And when he turned to leave, he actually followed through this time.

~o~

Haruhi called him before she showed up with her famous cooking. She looked at him a bit sheepishly as she entered. "Kyoya-sempai and Tamaki-sempai said you were having problems taking care of yourself. So…" She lifted the casserole in her hands a bit and smiled. He just barely understood how she could still smile in this situation.

"Thanks," he mumbled, taking it from her and heading to the kitchen. She trailed behind.

"Do you want to talk about anything?" she asked, frowning as he left the casserole there without even touching it. She took the liberty of scooping some of it onto a plate and grabbing a fork before following him.

"Not really…"

She sighed. "Kaoru, you have to talk to me."

"Says who?"

"You're being childish." She grabbed his thin wrist and stared into his gaunt face. "Are you trying to make yourself sick? To kill yourself? Because trust me, there are other ways that are more affective and much less painful." She frowned a bit at her own words then added, "Not that I think you should… In fact, you probably shouldn't even be thinking like that."

"Haruhi."

"Just because Hikaru is gone does not mean that he's forgotten, Kaoru."

"Haruhi!"

"What?"

"I'm just not hungry…"

"You need to eat _something _though. Starving yourself isn't healthy. Hikaru wouldn't approve. Not at all."

Kaoru nearly groaned. Haruhi was even fretting over him. It had been bad enough when he'd realized that Kyoya was worried but _Haruhi_? He begrudgingly picked up the fork and took a bite of the casserole. The sensation that met his tongue was one that he would have loved to share of Hikaru…

If Hikaru were here.

"I can't stop thinking about him."

"Neither can I," Haruhi murmured, sitting next to him on the couch. She glanced over at him with a sly smile. "But I don't let memories of him _keep _me from living, I make them the thing that fuels me to live."

"Like how you did with your mother?"

"Yes. And how you could. It would probably work even better for you in fact since you're his twin. Don't let go of the memories. Just… store them for a while until they aren't so painful to remember and are happy instead."

"I told Kyoya-sempai that I wished it was me instead." Haruhi stared at him like he was crazy. "He gave me the same look too." She shrugged her shoulders.

"That's… natural," she replied carefully.

"And if it couldn't be me, I at least wish that I could have stopped him from getting into the car."

"Kaoru, you and I both know he was too stubborn to be dealt with when he put his mind to something."

"Like proving me wrong," he muttered darkly. She looked at him sympathetically and slipped a hand into his. "It's my fault that he was being so stubborn."

"The accident wasn't your fault."

"That's what Mum said too."

"It _wasn't_." She pulled his chin around so that he was looking straight at her. "Look at me. Listen to me. Hikaru was going to get into that car whether you liked it or not. He had a meeting to go to. He was going to be late. He was _not _just trying to prove you wrong."

"I should have gone with him."

"Kaoru!" she exclaimed, yanking on his hand angrily and squeezing his chin tighter in her hand. "Do you know any idea what that would do to all of us? It was bad enough losing _one _of you. If I - If _we _lost _both _of you… I wouldn't be able to take it. Kyoya would probably _actually _have a mental breakdown between the two of you and his grandfather. Tamaki wouldn't be able to function for quite a long time. And Hunny and Mori would be completely devastated. We… wouldn't be the same if you had gone too. So… please… Stop regretting all of this and just _live_. Live like Hikaru would have wanted you to."

Kaoru nodded his head dumbly. He felt terrible for ever worrying them. For acting this way and shutting them out when all they really did want was to help him. "I'm sorry," he muttered, feeling tears breaking out the corners of his eyes. "I'm sorry." She sighed and offered a small smile, embracing him tightly.

"You're my best friend. I don't want to lose you." He nodded, burying his face in the crook her of her. "And not to mention _someone _needs to stick around to be Ageha's older brother. I can't think of anyone more fit for the job than you."

He pulled away and smiled a little, willingly beginning to eat the casserole that she had brought him. His stomach grumbled as he finished the plate, eliciting a giggle from the girl beside him. "It's a good thing that I brought the entire pan!"

He just nodded his head a bit.

~o~

He begrudgingly let his fellow former Hosts take care of him. Haruhi stopped by every few days with a new dish for him. Hunny brought him cake. Mori just let him talk - his silence made it very easy to talk about whatever was on his mind without someone judging him. Tamaki would energetically appear and invite him to dinners or small gatherings - some of the dinners he agreed to if they were merely one-on-one or just the two of them and Haruhi. Kyoya stopped by the least of them all, but he had always been the most distant. Still, the Ohtori would check up on the Hitachiin every now and then to make sure that he was slowly getting used to relying on people other than his brother.

"Good," he stated during one visit as he watched Kaoru eat something that Haruhi had made him. Kaoru rose an eyebrow at him. "You're dishing it yourself. It's a start."

Of all the Hosts, Kaoru had never expected Kyoya to be the one that understood his grieving the best. Yet, somehow that was what happened.

Haruhi and Tamaki eventually got married - their wedding being the first large-group event that he attended, happily taking his place as a groomsman for Tamaki yet aching at the idea that his twin was not here to witness this. Before he knew it, it had been a year.

"Have you gone to visit him yet?" Haruhi asked him on one of hers and Tamaki's visits. She had stopped bringing food along since he no longer required it but she and her husband always stopped by weekly anyway. Kaoru looked at her for a long while then shook his head. "Would you like us to come with you?"

He sighed for a moment thoughtfully. It would be nice to have others there with him. However… A moment alone with his brother sounded promising… "No. I think I should go alone."

The brunette nodded her head with a smile.

And now he was here. Over the last year, he could have said so many things to his brother. He had been running through a list in his head before he got there of everything he would say, but as soon as he was standing in front of the gravestone his breath was taken away, every thought in his head vanished.

_Hitachiin Hikaru _

_June 9, 1986 - September 15, 2011_

_Loving brother & son_

The flowers in his hand dropped to his side, his knees collapsing underneath him. How had he not visited his brother's grave before now? How was the idea that his brother was dead still so surreal? His fingertips traced the kanji letters that formed his brother's name. He felt tears blur his vision but quickly wiped them away.

No. He would not cry in front of his twin. Not when he had already cried so much in the past year.

"I miss you," he stated, voice breaking, "So. Much." He covered his mouth with one hand and drew in a deep breath, placing the flowers at the base of the headstone with his free hand. "Nothing can replace a twin. But they're trying. And I'm getting better. I swear." He took a few moments to gather his composure then stood, not knowing what else to say and not needing to say anything else to his twin brother anyway.

On his way back through the cemetery, he spotted Kyoya by his family's land plot. The Ohtori looked up at him and nodded, his smirk ever present. Kaoru nodded back respectfully, offering a smile to his sempai.

Tamaki, Haruhi, Hunny, and Mori were all waiting for him outside the cemetery by a car. He felt himself begin to smile.

Yes, he was getting better. Even if no one could completely replace Hikaru.

~o~

**A/N: Because Kyoya is totally rational enough to get Kaoru to listen to reason while simultaneously avoiding the subject of his own grief. Can no one else see this happening? **

**A NON-KYOHARU ONE-SHOT?! WHAT IS THIS BLASPHEMY?! AM I SICK?! No. I swear. I'm not sick or anything… I just needed a break from KyoHaru (I know NONSENSE right?) **

**If you have not heard the song Running Up That Hill by Track and Field you need to go look it up right this instant. It will put so much more emotion into this than just straight reading it. Or Doomsday from Doctor Who, though that doesn't REALLY go with it as well. I just really like that song. **

**I couldn't resist giving it a slightly hopeful ending. Leaving Kaoru as that mass of despair just pains me way too much. **

**Didn't have to wait long for me did you? Oh man. This is so bad. I can't concentrate on LD with so many one-shot ideas going through my head. Oh well… I still have half the month left… I think this is the shortest thing I've written since Bird, Cage, Nest and Nesting… That's… Saddening in a way. And this is 4000 words too. THAT'S short? Oi… **

**Un-beta'd and mediocrely edited – as in I skimmed but didn't really READ. Excuse any mistakes you find. **


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